Patrick <3

So I got attached, big freaking deal.  It’s not.  I need to pick myself back up and dust myself off and say hey guess what, he’s not even worth it.  He’s not that cute, he has a small dick and yeah, he may be a great guy at times, but he should be a great guy ALL the time, even when he’s not in a good mood and when he’s mad at me or mad at anything and he sure as hell shouldn’t be hooking up with one of my sisters 3 days after the break up.

I don’t get attached, I don’t let people in and I did and it was an experience I needed to feel because it’s God saying you’re ALIVE. Start acting like it.  

I’m alive.  I need to start acting like it. 

So I’m pinning and all I can think about is I just want to be here in this moment. And then I want to slap myself because I just need to be here.  I can’t say I want to be here I just need to do it.  I just need to embrace life, give thanks, send light and love when confrontation arises and grow from what I’ve learned and done and experienced.  

GET UP AND LIVE.

(via wearethedigitalkids)

Jenna Marbles.

So she may  bring up funny thoughts for you about how hilar she is.  One thing she talked about striked me in a way that nothing has in a long time.  Her disney princess video made me change my mind because it’s completely true to a deeper point.  I am at the point in my life and in my relationship with someone that if we were to get together I feel like it would be just… plain perfect. It’s gone in the ways that I couldn’t even imagine actually happening because it’s what’s shown to us as the “correct” way of having a functional relationship.

But functional relationships, I am beginning to learn, depends on the person.  If you have a casual sex relationship with someone and then you both begin to grow feelings and it turns into something different, something more.  Then you get together, fall in love, and it works out or it doesn’t.  Either way that was once a functional relationship.  It works for those two people.  It may not work for anyone else, but why does that matter?  

Then with the boy I was speaking about earlier, he’s cute and everything that has gone on between us has been in the same direction as you’ve always been told.  He asks you out on a date, you go on a date, you may or may not get a goodnight kiss.  You talk after the date, then he asks you on another, it gets kind of serious. and then you kiss again.  He spends the night, but it’s completely PG and it is all perfect.  Then it’s almost time for a relationship.  It’s completely functional.  And it’s the way you’ve been taught it should be.  Functional.

But in these days and in college so many people think that sex is no big deal, so they give it up and then expect some magical gesture that something will come from giving it up after a party.  Turns out, it doesn’t work like that.  Most of the time.  

Functional relationships depend upon who you are and what works for you.  It turns out that the most magical relationship could start out by someone asking you what you want to drink at a party and then you go home, hook up, and he says it was good and we should continue and then it becomes something that happens often and then you grow feelings.  

There’s no real definition of what a functional relationship is.  And how it works.  Contrary to popular belief, it rarely works out exactly the way it is said to go in the fairy tales we watch as children.  

CREATE YOUR OWN FUNCTIONAL RELATIONSHIP. 

It will ALWAYS work out just the way it should, you just have to let it.  

Like no shave, no shame November is a chance to write down what you really feel, something that makes you uncomfortable, something that takes a risk, saying something you desperately need to say.

So here I go.

No Shame November.

I fear that I am beginning to feel for people in a different light.  Grant.  I realized I had feelings for him right before I left for college and then I got worked up because he wasn’t the best guy, but he was what I wanted and he didn’t feel the same.  He got a girlfriend, we stopped talking.  But you CAN’T do that. You can’t go from I care so much about you and I miss you so much to well I have a girlfriend and I’m gonna stop talking to you for 3 months because I think that’s what’s best.  And then to have the audacity to talk to me a week before I am coming home saying again, I miss you so much.  And when I get here we hang out once and then we stop talking for 2 days and suddenly I am that girl.  That girl that is nervous about what he is thinking, if I’m texting him too much, if I’m asking too much to see him more than once because I think I love him, or I care deeply and I feel like I care too much, but he was the one saying hey, I wanna move down to where you’re at and go to school with you.  That’s a HUGE step, one that you don’t even think about doing, unless you really really care about that person and want a future.  And I want that. A future. With him. I think. I mean if I didn’t why would I be acting the way I do?!  Kill me. 

And oh the other hand, why the eff are we hooking up, going to parties together, hanging out outside of hooking up, but yet, we aren’t dating is there another relationship status that I was unaware of that was just casual basically relationship, but really I can do whatever I want status?!  Please, inform me. 

I am so deathly afraid of ending up alone, but I’m also so afraid of being unhappy.  I don’t want kids, for a variety of reasons and I know that isn’t going to change.  So when it’s just us two, for the rest of our lives, what if he gets bored and leaves me? What if I’m not enough? And I don’t know if I have the heart to give it my all because at the end of the day, I have to look out for me too. I have to have a back up plan for me.  Maybe I’m better off alone.  Maybe everything that has failed in the past is just a sign that I am better off alone.  Maybe I don’t have the answers to any of these questions.  And maybe I never will.  

I think I need to deal with me.  Be with me.  Just me.  No boys, no randoms, no nothing.  Because all of the what ifs are what are making me so afraid in the first place.  I need to be me, do me and be okay with just myself because who knows, it might just be me for the rest of my life and that’s okay.  

Last 2 things I need to get off my chest for no shame november.

Kevin, you changed my life. I’d like to think for the better but I’m really not sure.  I miss the old you though Kev.  Thunder bullet.  the boy who called me when he was having really bad nights, the boy who had really bad nights and dealt with them, not just smoked it off and didn’t talk. the boy who was my best friend and didn’t think of me as a terrible person.  I want you back and I want who we were together back because I was so happy that I mattered to someone. I knew you. before everyone else.  I knew the incredible boy you were, the funny, the smart, the kid that was so thoughtful and so caring that someone could be taken away in his grace.  I’d like to think that boy is still somewhere deep inside, that you weren’t swallowed up by the darkness, but I don’t think you were so lucky and I’m sorry for that.  At the end of the day, after everything that has happened, I still remember you as the boy that I described above.  The boy that not only was all of those things, but also the boy that I had the privilege of taking the virginity of and whom I gave mine to.  I will never ever forget you and I will always remember you as the person you were to me.  I love you Kev.  Forever and always just like I promised. 

Kristopher,

I don’t know what I did, what happened, what messed us up so bad, but I hope you know that I think about you everyday.  I think about how close we were and close I wish we still were because everything about you made me sane.  You made me sane.  And now, I am learning to balance all on my own.  Barely hanging on.  I miss you Kris.  

Thank you No Shame November, this has already helped me feel better than I did when I started.  

I need to get away and have time to myself so that I don’t go crazy in this little town full of loving people that don’t know how to act when I’m down. 

GET ME OUT NOW. 

I am searching for something and I have NO idea what it is.  

Here’s what I know:
- I know that I don’t know what I’m doing with my life and that single fact scares the SHIT out of me
- I know that I think I miss home, but really if I went home right now I wouldn’t be able to get back what I’m missing.
- I know that every time I look up in my room I get sad because the endless amounts of fashion books and magazines I have remind me everyday of the dream I can not accomplish.
- I know that I’m not looking forward to parent’s weekend.
- I know that every time I look at her tumblr  I get depressed because me and her boyfriend aren’t friends anymore, yet I look anyways because her insight on life makes me happy.
- I know that I thought I found a best friend here, but I am not so sure.

And I am searching for something, I can feel it I just don’t know what it is. 

/:

Relax. 
Breathe.
Close your eyes.
Stop all thoughts.

Okay back to homework.